Happie Living!

I wake up with reluctance to go back to Bangalore that night, for two reasons, one - because of the guilt of not having utilised the vacation properly.More than the guilt of not having done anything, You don't want people to know you did almost nothing, when you actually planned to do lots.Two - it is same old routine from the next day, and same standard reply "NO TIME" to do anything that you want to do.It is not always that you get a chance to go on a vacation for 10 days, when your work demands you to be at office for at least 14 hours a day.

Scene before vacation: I am too excited about the break as I badly needed one. Everyone on this earth gets to know about my vacation Cos of the excitement. I decided to use this vacation, to spend time with nature, to rekindle a lost interest, nurture a new skill,spend time with children and loved ones, go to some remote village and understand their life style.The main reason for excitement of course is the thought that you don't have to wake up early just to avoid traffic and rush in BMTC bus, you don't have to fear about missing deadlines, you can eat good food :), talk to friends for looong hours.

As always, the plan was just in mind and did not materialize. Ten days was crunched to 4 days, I had to wake up early on all four days, as my Mom considers it a taboo, to sleep till late in the morning during Dussera, princeton prep ended up with solution to four problems(I had planned to complete the entire book on vacation), no jungle, no adventure, no learning, not much of talking too. Only food was close to meeting the expectation. 

Feeling bored and tired of answering people that I did nothing much during the vacation, and justifying my laziness and indecisiveness with an excuse that, it was just four days and not ten days as planned, I open your official inbox, only to be surprised to see that number of unread emails and decide that I have to spend the whole day to sort my mails, solve the issues, and start running the marathon again. I call my friend and decide to vent out my anger and frustration, only to find him busy. 

Without an option I start reminiscing the past and realising the present, eventually ending up with the question, "what is the basic ingredient, for a happy living?". I come up with this as an answer. Having spent my entire life till now tied to my Mom's apron string, a year of separation was definitely a big deal for me. New friends, new team, new city, new office, new culture, a new life and a new start was the scene seventeen months back. Now, I run errands, do the daily chores, manage work, keep myself entertained, miss home a great deal and sob sob, mange to pay my bills on the last day,I teach kids, I manage to be there for my friends when they need me. The multitude tasks of looking after myself and career, and i seem to manage it pretty well. The best thing about our country is, it is full of nice people, who care and value a person.

A smiling good morning wish, a tasty breakfast with Dosa and Sambar, good teammates at work, a healthy conversation with a friend, delicious lunch, traffic less road, a conversation narrating the day's activities with a dear one, satisfaction derived out of helping someone, trying out new skills, fulfilling dinner and a good night sleep without dreams. These are the bare necessities of happy living. My basic necessities are mostly met. There is just one thing missing, which has left a hole. So, I am now happy to be fortunate according to my list and pray for that good night's sleep and crash on my bed hoping for a smiling good morning wish 2mrw :).

Back to Skool! ;)

It is my usual lazy saturday morning, my mind wants to get up and get ready, but body always in disagreement with mind, decides to stay in the same position intact. The early morning breeze, was trying hard to wake my sleepy curtains, and the golden sun, who is also lazy in Blore, helps his friend by peeping through the window sill and wishing me good morning!. I then unwillingly decide to get up and check the clock, only to find that it was 8.30 already. As usual I jump out of the bed, and rush to get ready as I do not want to be late to school.I play the role of a teacher now. On my way, I am wondering if "Zubair" ( the cute kid, who is very mischievous, but who escapes from the punishment by showing his innocent smile, which will make you feel, "definitely not him. paavam kid" ) will remember me, as it is three weeks since I went to school. I decide to be prepared for the worst, and tell myself," don't show it on your face if he cant recognize you". I reach the school and walk to the classroom. As, I stand at the entrance of the classroom, Zubair sees me and runs to the entrance to hold my hand, just like he would do when he sees his Mom. I am equally elated, and I too feel like a responsible Mom, and sit in a kutti chair next to him, planning to teach him many words today. As I sit, there are couple of other kids who swarm me, and wanted to show their classwork notes. While I tell them to keep up their good work, I could see the pride on their faces, and others could see a glee on my face, as I feel good have taken the role of a teacher( though it is just for two hours a week) instead of strolling around the corridors of already bulging malls, with a crowd I can't relate to most of the time ( this is a mutual feeling, as they will feel the same looking at me :) ), and end up stepping on someones feet all the time asking for an excuse, or wasting three hours on a movie, munching a popcorn, and waiting for the movie to get over, as most of the time, I can't appreciate anything else other than the confidence and guts of the producer, who thought this soap will be a hit and dreamed about buying a huge bungalow in the already crowded metros, a plush car imported from the country he would have wanted to go for a vacation and also fetch a chance to produce a few more similar nonsense (I don't deny there are many good movies, and that I don't consider it a waste of time, watching them) . After a minute of reflection, I start working with the kids on words, they had learnt that week. As I dictate a word, Zubair makes a mistake, and is not proceeding, as he is searching for his eraser, I ask him to score it out,but He doesn't agree. He then picks an eraser from his friend's desk and erases the letter in such a way that the page almost tore, and since the eraser was not doing his task properly, Zubair is punishing him by rubbing on the desk (I remember doing the same, when I was a kid), after so much of struggle, he manages to complete the word. For the next question, he wants to partition the page into two halves and hence wants a ruler this time. Thankfully, he has it and I don't have to mediate between both the friends this time. Now, Mr.perfect adjusts the scale, to keep it straight, but unfortunately, like for all kids the line ends up being cross. I see the winsome smile on his face now for having achieved an almost straight line. But next comes the difficult part, I dictate a word, for which he doesn't know the spelling, he uses his cute smile as the weapon this time, I fall for it, and help him with the spelling. It is time for a break by now, and I am asked to judge and choose the best three cards from the entries of the card-making competition held last week in the same school. I must admit that it is the toughest task assigned ever. Almost all of them are amazing and impeccable. I am spellbound and confounded on which one to choose. As I have to make the final decision, I picked out a card which said "Happy Teacher's day". While doing this, I grouch myself, for having forgotten that it is just another five days for what used to be one of the most awaited celebrations of the year in my school, when I was a kid. I drift in my old memories, which makes me feel nostalgic.

Those were the days, when

* I managed to get false headaches on all days from a month before the exam, You don't need to check the calendar. (It is the same now, the slight difference is that my manager will get real headache a month before my deliverable :))

* I feared going to school with an unclean shoe. (I am more than happy to go ofc with my dirty shoes and torn slip-ons. I give a damn abt it )

* I woke up and slept on time. ( I don't even work for fixed timings, I go to ofc and come back as I like :))

* Any score less than 100, made me feel like such a loser. ( No bug - I feel something is terribly wrong with the code)

* Eating out in a restaurant happened rarely. ( Eating at home now happens rarely)

* You are forgiven for all your mistakes ( Now, even a small mistake is considered to be a crime)

* Best of all, you knew You will in 4th standard next year, when you were in 3rd std. ( Now, I really duno were I will be forget next year, even next month)

* You trust everyone. ( You tend to doubt ppl. if you don't - you are stupid, and have to grow up)

* You get excited when it rains, to see a train, on seeing full moon, Animals, festivals,flowers, ice creams and other kids too. ( If you do the same now, u r weird)

* You can cry at anywhere ( You cant do it now :()

of course, there are a few things which haven't changed yet,

* Love and care of and for Friends & Family........... :)

* Scoldings from Mom :) ( am still a useless kid according to Mom :) )

* I still enjoy every small thing in life.

All this apart, aren't we really missing our childhood days. Am sure for all of us, it would have been some of the best days of our lives. But now, most of us have lost the kid in us, a few of us who haven't, are forced to change, as you don't want to be different, and fear to be looked on like a museum piece.


P.S

* Zubair and other kids I wrote about are from a school for deaf kids. But, they are very talented, caring and amazing. I got a chance to attend a painting competition for a group of these kids and a few more normal kids. Believe me, these kids proved that they are just physically challenged, but their creativity is still at its best. You can see the proof yourself here (The pics haven't come out great, as I tried weird things with my camera :( ).

* I dedicate this post to all my teachers. They have been very motivating and supportive. But, it is a sad truth that in India teachers are still underpaid and under-recognized for their noble contribution.It is not a surprising fact that we still have shortage for teachers. May be it is because of the fact that it is not an attractive profession, so people hardly want to choose it. I think it should be made alluring. ( life has made me think that, glamour is required even for a humble, selfless profession like this :( ).
( Teachers include my managers whom I have worked with, who mentored me. (dedication part ) )

" Wish you all a happy Teacher' s day! "

* I wanted to write something else but ended up with this :(. I am too lazy to type more now :( will come up with another post sooooon :)

Faceless Freaks!!

I go to office at 11, bug my team and take them for this cute movie Janne Tu (from the little that me saw), I am enjoying every scene of the movie (as my friend does the translation). I am loving this Aditi character for two reasons, firstly, She is more stupid, silly and sensitive than I am and secondly, She does all that I do, proving Mom's statement, "There is none like You" wrong. When She uses that statement as the last weapon against me during our fights, I can now say, " There are people worse than me" :). The very thought of this, gives me immense joy. I am too engrossed into the movie that I don't realise that I am getting calls. At some point, there are too many dialogues in Hindi, and since I am not able to understand, my concentration drifts and I realise that someone wants to talk to me on my mobile. One of my friends calls me to find out if I am safe. I can sense the care and concern in his voice. I feel too proud to tell him that I am out for a movie on a weekday, without realizing the seriousness of the situation, till I see all my friends out of the hall with mobile on their hands and worry abouts their loved ones on their faces.I immediately want to check the whereabouts of the people whom I care for and I call this stupid friend of mine at first, only to get a reply which sounded very much like a Robot. I then talk to couple of my friends. Knowing that they are safe, I walk into the hall again. When the actual story is about to start couple of my team mates with a sigh of relief enter the hall and suggest we leave the theatre and get back to office immediately.I am to reluctant to leave the cute looking Genelia and smart looking Imran on the screen and go back to work. I decide not to whine like a kid and be quiet on the way back. The devil starts working on mind (which usually happens when I don't talk). This is what the devil made m think.

Series of bomb blasts that rocked the city has led to much fear and panic although the blast wasn't intense. Revenge and retaliation has made life of common man miserable. Babri Masjid was demolished in 1992, as a retaliatory measure the Islamic terrorist blew Mumbai in 1993 leaving a thousand innocent dead. Ever since there has been no stopping. Communal riots have become the order of the day and the ones affected are common man unnecessarily.In fact I recollect a Hindu - Muslim clash couple of weeks back in North Bangalore, which led to nothing other than chaos. The killers go scot free or are awarded some years in jail with a minimal penalty. The government spends millions on feeding them and eventually releases them after the completion of their term. Their gang beckons them to continue similar tasks again, making it their lifestyle. But, it is not these people who are to be blamed, They are just slaves, the puppets, whose strings are pulled by none other than the politicians.
They represent the dreams and aspirations of a billion plus population and are responsible for the welfare of the nation.They sit in the hallowed enclosure of the parliament and make big promises most of which are broken mercilessly. They instill faith in the public and crush them when their purpose is served.Hardly anything is done in the name of development and growth, yet the common man is forced to pay tax and comply with the rules and regulations.The entire world witnessed the horse-trading of the ministers that happened in our country last week, through the so called trust vote where the government managed to win the trust of the ministers, in the worst way possible, but lost the trust of people. Prime minister, must be ecstatic after winning the trust vote. Congress must be elated to retain power and it is party time for those ministers who made money. But for once I expect congress to expect Manmohan Singh to act like a leader. The only good deal that could come out of this ugly deal is the nuclear deal. It sounds funny to me when I think that my kids will read from their civics books that ," There was Manmohan Singh, the prime minister of India who is the Father of the great legacy - nuclear deal".So, it is as always people who are made the fool. My office cafeteria was crowded to watch the drama live. (I have seen it this crowded only on 20- 20 finals before). Such is the state of the people. Why do politicians do this?. Why are invariably all politicians greedy? Why nobody to serve the people? Why do they work for their betterment and not the betterment of the entire nation?. I seriously can't think of an answer for such questions. My friend says, there can be a solution only if youth enters politics. But, what happened to Lok Parithran, a party started by IITians. It is not a party of youth anymore. The politicians are all faceless freaks, with a fire in the belly to grab power, who will stoop to any levels for the chair and have the unscrupulous ambition to retain it. In their chronic quest for power, they have become unethical and set a bad identification for the nation.

The common man will be happy if the basic needs are met.The government must try to impart a new impetus to growth and investment by removing the existing obstacles.Security is the biggest concern and must be addressed immediately.

Finally, I say to myself, " Hope the situation will change. India will make it big!".

One Year!!! :)(:

Yipee!! It is one year since I came to Blore . A year I would always cherish. Like I have told before in a post earlier, I have no idea yet (I thought I knew why sometime back, but it is uncertain again at the moment :)) why I decided to leave my home, my family and come to a land of strangers. But anyway am surprised and amazed by the fact that I withstood it. I think I have accepted the change gradually. It's unbelievable that one year flew past ( it sound like a cliche ), and along with the journey transformed me completely to what I am today, from what I was a year before.For instance, the very thought of having done anything great would have ideally crusaded me, and made me do something. But now, I have this attitude, "I think it is okay not to do anything :)(again, not to forget the smile)".

Certain memories refuse to leave you because they leave permanent impressions which are rather impossible to get rid of.Reminiscence of the past is both amusing as well as distressing.Now, when I think about the last one year of my life ( I know am making it sound like the program year program that is shown on 1st day of a new year, every year in every other channel). Reminiscing and running the movie "One Year", with me as the protagonist, scripted, edited and directed by the universal director, and other actors who played their part impeccably, I have mixed kind of feelings (hence the title:)(: ). My blog, becoming more like a diary, I have decided to maintain it as diary itself. So, introducing some of the important characters, of my movie (it will be being unfair to myself, if I use the word drama instead ), who mostly brought that small crescent on my face, and some times knowingly or unknowingly the precious pearls in my eyes.

I landed in blore, confounded, with a blank idea of the future, assuring myself that it would be a short stay, and that I could go back home any day.I was stranded in the airport, not knowing of where to go (I was supposed to go to this place called Brookefield, which did sound like a place in London and not in Blore to many), with a heavy heart and fear of "How am I going to be in this big black blore" (I was black as I came at 9 in the night). Adding to my fear was this language problem. The only sentence I knew in Hindi was, "Mujhe book lagrahe hai", which my friends at cognizant taught me. With great difficulty, I managed to reach the guest house, and then immd., :)(: for some reason. I met this guy, JD who was like a ray of hope in the dark jungle, where I was lost then.

* JD - my first friend in blore, who was there when no one else was here for me. He was like a kutty kid, though he is extremely mature and responsible for his age. He made me smile from the heart, for the first time in blore. Not to forget the tough times I had with him. He literally made me cry and learn Hindi. Whatever little Hindi I know today, is all because of him. Thanks to him :). We are not in touch now for no reason :( . I thank my caretaker Bhayya also, who took good care of me at the guest house.Thanks!! Bayya :)

* Imran - This funny guy, is an epitome of friendship. I feel lucky to have met him. He is funny, because he is (Am sure he is gonna kill me for this :)) . He can make you laugh 24X7. Amazing friend!! Thanks monkey! - still in touch with him.

* Raju - very mature and a level headed friend of mine. He know what he wants to do ( unlike me). A nice friend, who is still there, when I need him.

* Rakesh, Raj - my first Tamil speaking friends in blore. I always feel at home when I talk to them, may be because of the language. ( hardly talk to them now though)

* Vanessa, Gagan, Rahul, Arup Bhayya - good friends at SAP.

* Pratyusha - My ex-roomie, who is more like me, tried hard to teach me a few things, but in vain, as am not a good student. :)

* Anirudh - My best friend (:) am forced to say), a better version of me, extremely patient, adroit, a warm and caring person. If there is someone I troubled in the whole of last one year, it is only him. Most of my memories in blore revolve around him. I could just be myself with him.

* Sripriya - my first friend in oracle. A caring chammatu ponnu. Pari - a patient listener. I mostly vent out all my offcial worries to her (my PL :))

* Shiva, Vinod, Anand, LK - The late hours gang. We discuss about all trivial things, considering it to be the topic of the hour.

* Raghu - My driving Guru, and rival in Badminton . A level headed person, who is very practical and realistic.

* Kamsi - A warm person, my pub partner :)

* Bobby - My manager, who is more like a good friend. I like to fight with him, talk to him, argue with him. A very balanced person, who can manage everything. Unknowingly, I look up to him for a few things.

* Tina - She is a darling friend, who is equally stupid and sensitive as me. I guess she will be the only soul who reads this post. We share a common world. I am surprised with the way she manages everything. A caring, loving and lovable person. I miss her a lot if she doesn't turn up even for a day.

 

*Hari - Power programmer, Sincere soul, amicable, harmless, friendly person. My ADF Guru. Tolerates me with a smile.

* Megha - My darling ex-roomie. She is married now. Next to my mom, she is the only soul on this earth who can understand all my actions, and read my tone. My best friend, who is always there for me.

* Kids @ my school - I love them. They changed my world. They made me smile. They taught me the lesson of life.They grooved me to the person I am today.

* My soft toys & plants - They are the ones always with a smile to listen to my cribs. They break my aloofness. Give me hope many times. Sadly, my plants died:(

* Books - They played a major role in the transformation. My best friends of late.

* My Lappy - None like you sweetie. You are the best. She has seen all my emotions and has been listening patiently, at any hour. She has made me strong and wise. ( it is a she, as I always feel, girls are more sensitive and caring than guys)

* Jayanagar 4th 'T' block Park, 9th block park, Ragigudda, Woodys, Prasidhi, Bhavani (my fav hangouts :))

Few more ppl and things are yet to be mentioned, but I feel sleepy at this late hour in night or early hour in the morning, am not sure of.

There are few memories which made me happy and few more that made me sad, but one

thing is for sure, I have learnt to be alone, to live in my own world. I was forced to rather.

Should I thank those responsible for it ? :)

Life has taught me myriad lessons, but it has also thrown umpteen questions unanswered yet.

P.S

* I could now manage doing, work, cooking, going to school, talking to friends, reading , writing, learning, listening, getting and giving update from and to ppl at home, counsel, research, wash, clean, workout( this is all that I could remember doing) on a single day. I am amazed by it, considering the fact that, I was such a lazy person, who wanted her mom to be around feeding her breakfast, and help her get ready to work.

* I wanted to learn Swimming and Tennis in this one year which I haven't done yet. Will do it soooooon.

* By next year, I plan to visit most of the jungles around blore , want to be with nature, they never hurt you. :)

Wedding Bells!!

I hear Wedding bells all around. Lot of my friends are entering into wedlock. I attended several weddings over the past couple of months that i am exhausted and bored to attend them anymore. I am not excited about weddings for various reasons. Firstly, am partially motivated to wear a Saree, as I don't want to be the odd person. On attempting to do so, I fail miserably. My walk was like a march of the penguin. I feel hundreds of eyes looking at me, but sadly not because I look gorgeous, but because I walk like a penguin. Secondly, most of my friends are in US that I feel am the only person attending every other person's wedding. If you find the commonality in the weddings, it is just one thing, guess what?? - my face in at least one of the photos of their wedding album. Thirdly, am bored or confounded to choose a wedding gift. Finally, and most importantly, it is because, I hate this question, "So, when is your marriage? ". How does my wedding matter to everyone including those whom I never knew existed?. Worse is the situation, if you attend a relatives wedding with your family. If you are not smart, it could turn out to be your own engagement, even without your knowledge. You might get engaged to the son/daughter of your second aunt's third cousin's fourth daughter's fifth son (if you are girl ), who is currently in US, with a profession, none other than software engineering. Basically, your Mom might have met that second aunt's friend in this wedding you are attending with your family, for the first time that day.

All this apart, this is all what I see in weddings।Its a slightly funny sight indeed, the bride(my friends) draped in colorful saree and loaded with loud jewellery,posing like models for a jewellery advertisement, surrounded by a bunch of married ladies, all spewing loads of advice (am sorry gals, forgive me for such a comment :( ). It is only in their weddings, that I realise how rich my friends are, and their extreme patience to listen and follow everything they are asked to do. I wonder if I have to face the same.Yesterday, I attended one of my friends wedding.As i stood in corner staring at her, and feeling happy seeing that glow on her face attributed by the close up smile, I was transported three years back. While I felt nostalgic, about the college days, the funny talks that we had, the innocent me, the teacher friends,(They will be amazed by my gandha knowledge now :). Thanks to my cognizant friends). I must accept that I was close to a nerd in college, and didn't enjoy much. I was pouring into technical magazines and books and fundoo projects. I was later told by one of my friends that, according to most of them in my college, "I am a geek, techie, stubborn, kinda arrogant, newton, head-strong, ambitious" . I wonder if any of these adjectives will match me now. None I guess. I just hear people now say, "stupid, immature and sensitive". Few of my friends still feel, I might not get married, and are surprised and don't believe me for what I am currently. Have I changed? who or what brought the change? Is the change for good?I am invariably questioned about myself by my soul. Answers to these in the next post ( if I can find them)।

Last week, I was on a serious discussion with one of my friends about marriage. I forgot to tell you that, my standard answer to the standard question, " how do you want your husband to be? " is, " He should be of my types (not to forget the smile :) )".My types - a guy who is caring, sharing, loving, easy-going , understanding, a techie, someone who is passionate about whatever he does. (The list is long actually. Let me keep it short here). He immediately summarised saying the following," as in someone who gives his girl enough space., and not bothered about money. Whoa!! where will you ever find someone like this?? Poor lil girl, are you really unaware of the acute shortage of such men. Don't you think it is practically impossible to find a human with such traits??" (He is a guy too :)). Being disappointed with such a reply, I agreed to ponder on this and get back to him.

Here is the result of my deep thought process। I feel, every man believes he is smart, and yes, he is caring, he cares for someone whom, he has just started seeing, because he needs time pass, and as far as Sharing is concerned, he is ever ready to share his restaurant bills, easy-going until she agrees for everything that he says, and keeps him happy. If in the process of decision making of whether give her a wife status or not, if something goes wrong, or if she doesn't meet his expectations ( just by one or two qualities), this is what happens, "Gud Morning! , Gud Night!, how was your day?, shall we meet today? what are you doing?" - which was so important then, seems very trivial now. He would have made at least 10 phone calls on an average in a week, then, but now he will answer one of the 100 calls that she makes, just to say, "am busy". He wouldn't have been shy to say, "I love you" then, but, now feels shy to say, "I do not want to lose your friendship, due to misunderstandings". The girl is now, finally given a chance to know that the relationship has turned to friendship, and her boyfriend is now supposed to be her close friend, (though not physically and mentally close any more). The guy sees the next girl, and the girl, if not that very outgoing types, sees the future shattering her hopes. This is not an exaggeration. I have seen this happen to few of my friends :).

Jokes apart, Its a decision of a life-time। I have seen several relationship flounder this way and there is absolutely no space for compromise.Most of my friends say that you have to accept it and move on. But, why should the girl be punished for loving, caring, being committed and considering him to be her whole world. Shouldn't he be punished for using her like an object and throwing her away after use, or when he finds a better one, like selling the used, old car, when you buy a new bigger car, as you get a hike.Am surprised by the way the society treats these gals. The gals are categorised into three types. The girl who is badly hurt and is not able to forget him ( love has the power to turn the world upside down) - emotional idiots (Guys!! if the gals and ladies in your family, do not have this emotion and sensitivity, you cant be a family).Type two - the gals who take it with ease and try to gradually settle down - Sensitive stupids ( you are just a stupid and not an idiot because you finally leave that guy anyways) . Type three - leave the guy immediately and look for another one - flirt (if the guy does the same, he is being practical). Such is the situation, even with the so called, street-smart, stubborn, bold, arrogant, sharp girl :). After having understood and analysed the scenario, I agree with my friend and tell him, " hopes to find someone of my types, is like waiting for Mr. Prince Charming to come for me, riding his horse". At the same time, experiences have made me uncomfortable and shy away from marriage. To my close friends, I say, "As there is no Mr. Prince Charming,I will live with my kid Vismaya ( the gal baby whom I will adopt) and we will be there for each other". They think, I am in crazy mode now.

Anyway, none of my close friends had to meet such faking Prince. They are all happily married to their Price Charming or to the ones whom their parents thought are their kings. All of their faces glowed which a pride of having found their guy, and with a relief of having someone to take care of them all through their lives now. Their eyes sparkled with the smile from their heart and hopes in their mind. I wish them good luck and a very happy life.For all men - Woman is not for you to play with her feelings, she is sensitive to be sympathetic and empathetic for you, after all relationships like marriages are not just to share the bed, but also the ups and most importantly downs.

P.S

* Voice Recognition in Vista is amazing! - surprised abt it, considering it is from microsoft

* This blog - No offence intended. THis is my experience. May be there are nice guys too ( like most of my friends :)).

* 1 year. Since I quit cognizant. But ppl there still remember me :)

Myopic Vision

It is drizzling, my friend and I curse my team mates , as we think, it is their prayer which brought rain( prayer not for world good but because of jealous as they stay in office and we leave home early :) ). As always I leave the decision making to my friend about leaving in rain or not. My friend decides to leave, so we share the single umbrella and walk towards the bus stop, which is a good ten minutes walk.The Single Umbrella obviously left us wet. When we walk on the main road, my friend gets her bus and leaves with the umbrella, which leaves me enjoy every single raindrop. By now, the drizzle has turned into a heavy downpour. I walk in the rain, stopping all the vehicles while crossing the road, giving a chance for everyone on the road to scold me. I reach my bus stop and miss as many buses as possible, just to get drenched in rain. I get drenched till I realize that, I have an unavoidable meeting in an hour. Cursing my manager, I get into the next bus.

The moment I enter the bus, all the heads turn towards me - as am wet, and everyone else is dry.To my disappointment, none of the window seats are vacant, and I am sharing one-fourth of a seat with another lady. I am busy searching my wallet, and not noticing the person sitting next to me. When I lift my face with a proud smile on finding the wallet, I notice the look in the face of the girl to my front. It clearly says "I have never seen a crazy girl like you before". I smile back saying, "I know it". I get a call from my darling friend. I talk to him in English, I suddenly hear the person sitting next to me, say something in Kannada, I turn to see if she is talking to me, I then realise, God has been partial, as she was blind. So, she probably thought I was talking to her. I could feel the sudden surge in me, but I don't know how to react. I tell my friend that I will talk to him later, and I see her with compassion. My thoughts suddenly drifts to the usual questions like, "why they?".She is not just blind, she wears a not so good, old sari and a glass which looks a little broken. On a thorough scan, I assume she is not so well off financially too. I wonder what they do for their living.

I have met a few blind girls before, when I volunteered to write exams for them. I found that it is definitely difficult for them, to survive, in this world of cut throat competition. I then remember that I was asked to copy in the examination by almost everyone, whom I prompted for. I was not in a mindset to understand their world initially.But later on when I spoke to them as a friend, I found that they would have achieved great heights, had they been normal like me without any disabilities. Though that made me realize that I have wasted my life wich I consider a gift,I decide not to think about that, as that is not the focus.I feel it is not fair on my part to brand them as being dishonest, as they have a valid question, "how do we read everything when we can't afford to buy the whole book in braille? How do we read when the volunteers don't read more than a chapter for me? ". I am reminded of my preparation for exams. I am sure I wouldn't have cleared any of them, without a book. I felt very sorry for them, and ashamed of me, for I cant do anything more than just feel sorry. I get back to the present with the honking of the driver, and wonder if I should continue listening to the songs and read my book oblivious of what is happening around me? I decide to think the way my friend would have thought. He always says, " They are just like us. If you can help them do it, or at least don't feel sorry for them and demotivate them. Dont sympathise when not required". So, I tell myself, they are better than me, as I don't use my gift, unlike them, and I start reading my book with the earphones on my hear and my foot tapping to One Love. The bus is moving in snails pace, stopping once for every half a minute.I am irritated and feel itchy because of my wet clothes. To my dismay my MP3 player stops working (new one :() and I am left with the option of just reading the book. I do that peacefully for an hour, and by now it is dark and the bus is so crowded that I don't get any light to read, and it also makes me feel claustrophobic.

My thoughts again drifts on my co passenger and her disability. I suddenly wonder how will she know of her stopping? I assumd that she would have told the conductor already to intimate when they bus reaches her stop. But, when the 100 passengers capacity bus has loaded 200 already, I don't know if you can spot the conductor. So, again I am worried about her, and decide to help her. But, this is the problem - I don't understand Kannada, which rules out the option of talking to her. I then ask that girl - the one who thought I was crazy, if she can speak Kannada. She confirms my craziness with this question, but still nodded, which I took for a 'yes'. I then ask her if she can talk to the blind lady and find out where she has to go, so that she doesn't miss her stop. There were at least ten pairs of eyes that scans me when I say this. The girl agrees and asks the blind lady the same question in Kannada. The reply stuns me. She says, "I know this is EastEnd stop and I have to go to Jayanagar 5th Block, which is another three stops away".The same ten pairs looks at me as if I committed a crime, I feel like such a stupid for embarrassing myself, by overreacting. I hear a lady say, "They are smart. They know everything". I want to defend myself saying, "I never said she is stupid. I don't know who 'they' are. I just wanted to help.". I ignore all the stares, because I am perplexed. I am puzzled. I wonder "How is this possible?". Had it been a train I cant accept this, as she could have counted the number of times the train stops and could have mapped it to the number of stations, but this bloody bus, stopped once for every half a second. Okay, I can agree if there are any diversions or turns, but this is a straight road, and she is absolutely right about the place. Not being convinced by my ideas,I decide to ask her- "HOW?! ". But, but, I cant - my ignorance of Kannada and my ego - I did not want to ask the girl to translate again - stops me. So I decide to ask this question to my friend later and leave it here for now. Consoling myself I peep out of the window, only to find that I missed my stop amidst all this drama. So it is only me who has a myopic vision , with a gifted vision. But she is normal.:)

P.S

* The 'Z' key in my keyboard ztopz working az I type thiz and my dear friend zuggeztz, I uze 'z' or 'c' inztead. How iz it?*

* One of the main problemz that blind people face iz, lack of study material. It would be great if we come up with zome technology that would be cozt-effective and help them read without being dependent on another perzon.

* Mr. Sivaraman (I hit hard on that key 5 timez. Nothing can replace him and hiz name:)) - my Englizh teacher in zchool. He taught uz Englisg for zix monthz. I Ztill feel, he iz the best teacher I have ever had. Nobody can explain Shakespeare and hiz playz like him. I uzed to wonder if there iz any word in Englizh, for which he doeznt know the meaning. I uzed to wait for him to utter a single zentence with a grammatical error or mispronunciation, stutter or stammer. My wait waz fruitlezz. It never happened. There waz confidence in every word that he zpoke. He is one of the reasonz for who I am today. He tried hard to inztill the zame confidence in me too. I owe him a lot. But why suddenly about him here ??? He iz blind.

The story continues...

Yipee! It is Friday! The week is drawing to a close, much to my delight. I am surprised that i survived it. Lone New Year, Numerous Review Comments and very little sleep has left me down in the mouth. I had the most terrible of dreams every night. I most certainly need a break.

The first week began on a sad note, with me becoming senti as usual on 31st night for being away from my friends and family. But to cheer me up I went to this KempFort Shiva temple along with two of my friends to request God for a happy new year:). In the 150 minutes that we spent on waiting, on a long queue, for the darshan, we spoke about every stupid thing on this earth and finally when we got our chance I was too tired to thank God from my heart :( . But to compensate for the sadness out of guilt, we had gr8 fun in searching for some restaurant to eat. We were extremely hungry that if we had to stand for another one hour, I would have certainly become a cannibal. (As I could see nothing else other than tired looking faces of both my friends). Since, all three of us were new to this area, ( and as one of my new year resolution was not to trouble another friend of mine - I generally use him like yellow pages), we decided to go to a restaurant in Koramangala. The bike roared at 40 kmph due to hunger(You are right had it been I was not driving :)). But, I guess, the general tradition in blore is that, people don’t cook food at home on a New Years day. Every other restaurant in that locality was flooded with people. I was completely put off to stand in line again. We had lunch only after 2 hours from the time we left the restaurant only to know today that there is a restaurant in Kempfort itself :( .
Had a wonderful time with my team.

The rest of the week I was at work, slogging :( The review comments that I received put me off Marjory. My roommate because of whom I stopped blogging ( as I used to vent to her) is getting married in a month. Though I am happy for her, I am sad about the instability in my life. I want to know what the future holds.

This is a post which was dormant in my lappy, all this while, when I wanted to cleanup, found a host of posts yet to be posted. But to my surprise when I was reading this , I found that life hasn't changed a bit, if at all it has just worsened. :)

P.S

As always am with all positive outlook hoping for better weeks ahead! :)

And to trouble evryone I have a lot more posts in the pipeline yet to be published :)

28th is all I am waiting for. My project is getting over on 28th :) Am gonna relax for a week. Hoping to go to forest 4 a break :)

Random Rambles!

Life throws umpteen number of questions seeking answer. These are more number of questions that cannot have an answer or may be I dont seem to have an answer. This is the question that pops up my mind at the moment, can you ask your heart to stop feeling the way it does? Can you ask tour mind to stop thinking the way it does? When I ask these questions to one of my friends, he says, " The heart feels cause thats what its supposed to do, but the brain should control cause again thats what its there for", but the problem is there are a certain feeling s and thoughts which one cant get rid of, and if only I can, I wouldnt come up such questions. Here goes the list so many questions, that troubles me, more than my manager :)
Why is it like how it is?
My experience of life has taught me and made me realise the following. But I still havn't learnt the lesson, in spite of being taught the hard way. May be that makes all the difference :). Life is full of ironies and paradoxes. Life is too complex to understand.
Why is it that, when you are sad and low and look for a shoulder to cry, you dont find anyone around?
Why is it that, you want to say so many things when the person is not around, and don say it when he is there?
Why is it that, the person who you love the most hurts you the most?
Why do we yearn so much for something which you know is not for you?
Why is it that, you are consoled only by the person who made you cry, in spite of others consoling you?
Why is it that, when I am sad, the world is not there to console me, but when I talk to a guy, the whole world looks only at me?
Why is it that, when I am on time to catch the bus, the bus is early, and when I am late the bus is on time?
Why is it that, when I complete the work on time it is meeting expectations and when my Manager does the same, it is exceeding all expectations?
Why is it that, when I want to book ticket, it is always full and otherwise it goes on a loss for the travels?
Why is it that, when I like an outfit, it is either tooo small or it is too big for me?
Why doesnt the server work when I want to work?
Why is it that, when you meet someone with whom you would want to spend your life time, you have to let go?
Why should I be my teacher, my guide, my inspiration and my everything? Am I not living in a society?
Why are relationships hurting?
and finally... Howmuch ever you like someone and howmuch ever you want to be with them, it still doesnt happen।

Why????

P.S
I am so frustrated in life now, that, nothing I say makes sense :(

Unusual Silence

How does it feel when the 365 days waterfall is suddenly forced to stop? How does it feel for the falls? How will it control the flow? Or will it control? How does it feel for the kids, trees and birds who have always been enjoying the sound and warmth of the falls?. It certainly is not a great feeling for the falls to stop involuntarily. If this is the case with an object with sans heart, hence sans feelings, how bad is the situation when mapped to homo sapiens (used the biological name here for people to understand the biology and chemistry of human beings). Especially with people who are hypersensitive? What does it mean to be independent? Does it mean, live a life with all things, which can’t understand your feelings? Why shouldn’t we be emotionally dependent on others? After all don’t we all have a heart? What is the point in just using it for your survival? Isn’t being sensitive to others and empathizing with others, part of the purpose of its creation? Why are people who listen to their heart over the mind, branded fools and stupids? Why are they taken for granted? . Isn’t it a nice feeling to be loved and to be missed by someone? Why do people want to hurt the feelings of those so-branded stupids? Why do people want to cheat those who feel life is bliss, not knowing about the sharks ahead? Won’t life be easy on earth without any confusion, disappointment, hatred, bitching and ditching? Don't people understand that the motto of life should be " Live and let live "? Finally, doesn’t it make you feel worse when you are asked by your friend to go to your supposedly someone for consolation when they are the reason? And to top it all, you get a mail from your best friend at this moment, canceling the plans for the weekend, and hence closing the only door that was open. After all nobody wants to cry :). Now will you stop talking and taste the unsual silence?

Solving the puzzle of life

Human Life - so unpredictable it is. How I wish I know what is in store for me. How I wish I know if my loved ones will be with me always. I just hate this day and this moment. After a long time, I don’t feel like talking to anyone. God was unfair to me and my friends in the morning, when he decided to keep one of my best friends, one of the few honest, straight forward and caring person in the world with him. At this moment, in the top my mind am feeling selfish, when I just think that I can never find such a selfless friend again. There are a thousand questions running on my mind, I don’t know the answer for those. I don’t know whom to ask this to. May be am not lucky enough like Mitch as I haven’t found my Morrie yet. Firstly I feel like crying out loud, shout at God, fight with him, I feel like being ditched by him for the nth time. I feel like being stupid, not able to do anything to change the situation. I feel like being marooned in an island. I feel like a lone kid lost in the crowd. Of the thousand questions the first one that pops up is - Why does God never want me to be happy for a while in my life. But when I type this I have another question. Then follows the next which is, Will I not be happy just because Raka is not there anymore?

My usually confused mind is all the more confounded now, not knowing how to take this. Then I slowly start analyzing life. Though I realize it is as silly as the dream of a kutti kid to reach the sky, am still deep into the thought process, thinking about life. What is life all about? There was this beautiful forward that kid sent me today. It was excellent. It said that, It is the people whom you love and , the people who make a difference in your life that matters and not the world's richest person or the most intelligent person. I liked it a lot. I generally like many people. I have always felt lucky and thankful to God lucky to have met only nice people in my life. I don’t know how to take life? Everyone tells me that am bad at taking decisions and that am not serious about life and that there is no plan about my future. But how does that matter when I am not even sure about my life next moment. Raka was very ambitious, he had a perfect plan in his life. But now it is absolutely of no use. I wasn’t ambitious, but I guess my life is ok.

So, considering all this I have decided to stick on to my sole aim in life, that is to see the crescent in the face of everyone around me. Am gifted by God, compared to so many others. And I feel am gifted only to gift others. I give up solving the puzzle of life, that is too much for me, but I have arrived at a solution. I don’t know if it is correct, but I also don’t want to know, am happy in my world and have decided to live every moment, not worrying about the future.

I think there is not much of a correlation between the paragraphs and lines. That is how it is in life, nothing looks related, but unfortunately when you can understand it we realize they are very much related. May be am getting too philosophical ( unlike me J).

P.S

* My friend Raka was very close to me. He was very honest and spoke straight from the heart. It is only because of this quality that all of us are missing him today and crying for him. We have learnt a lesson at his expense, never give priority to anything in life other than your loved ones. After all end of the day you need someone to miss you, else, no meaning to the thousands you earn.

Infact he was not happy with my second post. He reassured that am not alone and that I have many fiends like him who still love me. Miss you Raka. Nobody to irritate me and fight with me now. Cant you come back? Keep up your promise to talk to me everyday pls. The feeling that he is no more has not sunk in yet for me. I still feel I can talk to him. So, I am just being normal. I am feeling guilty about it. Should I?

* I read this book "Tuesdays with Morrie" which teaches you the lesson of life. A good read in the recent past.