Truth is bitter

He is 7 years old. He has a mischievous smile. Speaks a language that is alien (must have been Hindi) to me.He laughs when I struggle to answer. When asked "How did you land up here?", He says (with a you-don't-know-even-this look), "I got into the train at Kolkata and the train brought me here". It is amazing to see the pride beaming in his tiny eyes. But, this was the only happy moment in the entire two hours spent in the Government home - Dairy circle, Bangalore. The rest of the two hours flew in a jiffy listening to umpteen heart wrenching tales.

We enter her class in a group. Rest of the children are excited to see new faces. The smile on their faces is such a relief. They sing a prayer song for us. I can see smiles everywhere except on that tiny face. I can see the precious pearls in the corner of her eyes. She sees the same on mine. We communicate in silence in the background of the melodious song. We leave the class, glee on other faces and waves of good bye. But, She just nods her head, which I assume as an acceptance. I want to run to her, to hug her, and bring her back home with me. "Her mom's husband (stepfather) is a pimp and is pushing her into prostitution", a short intro of her which comes later on. She is just 12 years old.

This is a serene building unlike the rest of the blocks. I feel the warmth when I enter the building. I enter a room where four infants are sleeping blissfully in their cradles. I wonder how heartless the parents are to throw away the infants on the street. With a heavy heart I move to the next room and find this princess, who wakes up as we whisper her name.She is Preeti. Hers is the cutest smile I have ever seen and the sleepy "Hello" was the best sound I've ever heard. Her story is not any better. Her own dad left her in this shelter home saying that She is a friend's daughter and is an orphan now. But, I think she is just fortunate and will be adopted by a nice people. Am told she is a bundle of energy and extremely smart. Am praying to God to gift her a warm, affectionate and caring parents now.

The above are the stories of just three children whom I met at the Government home in Bangalore. But there are many more untold miseries.The Infants home and Girls home were a lot better compared to the boys home. The boys home reminded of the terrible asylum tales that I have read in the newspapers.I have been to many orphanages and children's home before.The sad thing that struck me about both this place was the happiness and the optimism that prevailed in few other places was missing here. I don't blame the authorities as they are fewer in number compared to the hundreds of children. The ratio is unimaginable. These children are picked up from the dregs of society. The goal of this homes should not just be providing food, shelter and clothing (The scene here questions the third basic requirement too), it should also be making these young and innocent children a responsible and sensitive homosapien.

This being a government home, the manpower and the funds are limited. Both of them are in abundance with us, then why not be useful to someone? These children abandoned by their parents and having faced trauma all their life need a reason to smile. Why not be the lamp to show light on their path. It is not just food, shelter and clothes which is the need of the hour, it is also 10 spoons of love with 2 tables of care and 5 capsules of affection which will be the best prescription for their illness.Let us join hands to help them face the world with courage and most importantly with a smile. Let's give them a reason to look forward for another new day. I always believe in what a friend once said, "Hope and dope are just the same, they make you excited till the last minute".

The two hours spent with the children might have made their day a little more fun but for me it was lot of learning.It has left an indelible impression in me. It has kept my heart still aching.

I attribute some of the sleepless and restless nights to this.

Bygone Quarter life

Recently I turned 25. Its kind of tough to think through the passing moments, really. Especially when you consider the first quarter of life as a milestone that passed by, acceding to no will of yours. After a day filled ith wishes, and gifts, when I sit back and rewind the twenty five years of my life, it was mixed feelings. When I look at the recent past (since 21) and till date, I realize that I've all the syndromes of the quarter life crisis.

Here are the symptoms for you to check for yourself,

You start worrying more about tomorrow than about today. You start thinking more about you than about your friends.You start feeling unique and so you don't want to be part of the crowd.You become conscious about yourself and about others and start observing and judging people. Since you've become judgmental, you add a baddie tag to everyone.But you hate to have the baddie image for yourself (bcos you feel you're good) and so you're confused about all your actions, since you aren't sure if this action is in your list of acceptable things. Since you are judgmental now, you also brand people as selfish, insincere, mean, uncaring and unempathetic. You just don't realize that they might feel the same about you.

You get more worried when a friend who hardly studied at school or college makes it to a top school for masters and although you have no inclination to study more, you feel like a loser, bcos your friend made it and you never even made an attempt. You feel like killing yourself for being such a stupid. You are worried when all your friends are either committed or married. If you had had a past relationship, that didn't work out, you are heart broken and keep wasting all your life wondering how someone whom you loved so much could do this to you and then get into this vicious cycle of wakeup, office, back from work - on the couch watching all possible romantic soaps (if it is a successful love story, you cry again wondering why your's failed, if it is a failure on the screen, you're happy to know that you are not the only one), sob for an hour for your lost love and then sleep. If you never got into a relationship and is still single, you wonder why you haven't met anyone according to your requirements that you want to know them better. If you are committed and not married, you feel insecure about the relationship or you're worried if your parents will be okay to accept the chosen one as your spouse. If you're married, you're worried about the kids you're expecting in another 3 years. In anycase you are worried :)

Since you spend most of your productive hours in office, you can look for clear symptoms there too. If you're jobless, you're worried about getting a job. If you're on bench, you're worried about getting a project. When you're on a project, you crib about working for long hours, After a few months in the project, you're bored and want another new challenging one. You mostly jump the company looking for either better remuneration or a challenging job. A month in the new company, and you realize that the previous one was better. But you also find that irrespective of the company, you hate your manager, and you're just okay with your teammates. You sink in a pool of sadness and anger at the time of appraisal and feedback and just don't want to accept that you're not the best.

Finally, with a restless mind, when you go back home, you suddenly realize that the gap in the relationship with the family has increased. You feel alone as if you're the only one facing all the misery in the world.You're scared and confused, but you soon realize that you don't have a choice but to move on. You desperately want an identity.

The only thing that you don't realize is that, you're not the only one going through all this.

So, if you do feel the same, welcome to the club :).

Much of the complexities of being a twenty something is already addressed by me. I identify with most of it. I've always thought that I've faced more problems in life that most of my friends and that the happy days were fewer than the sad ones. But, when I look back now, I feel that, life is more than just a summation of miseries, woes, troubles and confusion and I don’t choose to cast a negative cloud on the enriching journey. The rewound reel shows more sunshine than darkness - pampering, care, love,some achievements, some perfect moments, a few relationships which made life a bliss, few more which made it a burden (but, they made me strong), lessons learnt and some cherished people who filled my life with fond memories - how I wish I could just stop the wheel here and enjoy the coziness forever :('. Although like most others, for the first twenty years, I just did what my family wanted me to (which is not fun mostly :)), I later on discovered joy in books, writing, friends, family and learning new skills that I had no idea earlier. But, the most important learning was through self-realization and soul searching - my heart fills with joy when I see the smile on those deprived of it. This discovery has filled my life with love, laughter and a sense of celebration.

There was different learnings at different stages of life. When I was obedient and listened to all that my parents said, and lived a life that they dreamt for me - it was childhood. When I started liking changes and lived a life that my friends did - it was adolescence. But, it is only now that I live a life that I like, I want and I dream for me - may be an adult. But, in all these stages through all the struggle of growing Up, I've learnt that best teachers are failures and not successes. These uninvited teachers (failures) taught me to value people, cherish relationships, face life with a smile, spread love, be harmless, appreciate differences, let go and accept myslef for what I am. The prize for being a good student - a boon to enjoy every moment of life.

In 25 years, life threw myriad challenges on me, of which I passed some, while still exploring some. I'm not perfect either, I'm still working on not to be disappointed with things which I can't control, not to be biased and jump into a conclusion and not to except anything from a relationship. Just one quarter is over, with the many more quarters left, I'm sure I'll win the challenges :).

With all the learnings, that is shaping me as a person whom I want to be, I'm glad and happy the way I am. I look forward to the other quarters with a smile and am ready with the weapon (love & smile) to face all the future endeavours.

'Thanks' for your 'sorry' :)

I walked into a bakery on an evening along with my roomie. The Baker turned with a smile to attend to us and asked us what we wanted. I initially said bread, but after much contemplation, I settled for Aloo bun. The Baker shook his head, and his gesture said, so loudly, as if he he'd spoke, "Are you sure of this? I'm taking it back from you once I hand it over to you". I just smile for a reply, gesturing that I really want it. I then handed over the cash to him and while he was searching for the change, my eyes were scouting for something tastier. My eyes found the brown, steaming hot Coconut bun, which a helper brought to leave it on the display. I just couldn't resist the temptation, and I immediately asked the baker to get one of those. Again with that head shake, accompanied by a weary shutting of eyelids, he gave me the bun and told me that it costs 14 rupees. I handed over a 50 rupee note and when he looked at the 20 rupee note with a why-not-this look, I said I wanted change for 50. He bit his tooth a little hard that I could almost hear it break, and then handed over the change which consisted of a slightly torn 20 rupee note. I immediately jumped saying, I didn't want the torn currency and so asked for an exchange. (I am sooper smart now :)). The baker, returned a good one immediately with a smile. I thanked him and left the shop. My roomie asked why did I thank him. I said, he was being polite and nice to me instead of yelling embarrassing me. So, I thanked him for it.

I often call up a friend when I feel a little low (this is a lil rare :)) or when I'm excited (Happens more often :)). He listens to my crib and rant patiently for hours. When we are about to finish the call, I realise that I've wasted his time and feel extremely sorry for it. So, I always make the closing statement with "Thanks and Sorry" (Thanks - for listening to me patiently ; sorry - for wasting his time). My roomie is surprised about this thanks too :)

The point of the stories is that, 9 out of the 10 people whom I've met, find it very strange when I thank someone. In a day I mostly end up thanking my roomie, friends, team-mates, auto drivers, bus-conductors, domestic help, security, shop keeper, facilities person @ work, bro , grand ma and mom too :). I agree that the concept of politeness is a subjective one.

I sometimes feel that politeness to an extent is missing among the children today. I'm totally against those who argue that politeness is highly overrated and that it conceals insincerity. some of them are worse when they think that while I wish someone a good day, I might actually be wishing him ill-luck all his life. I can't even imagine what goes into their mind which makes them think or imagine something so cheap. I agree that sometimes beneath the polish lies the spit. But I feel that one can always differentiate between a genuine smile and the one that is faked.

Politeness is often considered as a trait that is very specific to a culture. As Indians, we're so proud to say that it is in our heart and we don't have to express it to others. When someone expresses it, they are treated as aliens or mistaken for pretense. When it comes to politeness there is a stark difference between the western culture and ours. Westerners are extremely generous with vocalising their "Sorry" and "Thank you". On the contrary in our country, when you thank someone they think something is wrong with the relationship and that the closeness is missing. FOr Instance, when I thank mom for a tasty chocolate drink, she thinks I'm not close to her anymore and that I'm grown up now and treat her like a stranger. She gets upset with my 'Thank you' :). When I say sorry to my friend if I had disturbed him while in a meeting, he thinks that something is wrong in our relationship and that I want to maintain a distance :). It is strange that in our culture we think we are close when we abuse each other and take the other person for granted. In our culture silence is considered as the language of courtesy. A girl, who speaks a lot, is considered to exhibit a rude behavior.

Even for those with a business-mind, always looking for a profit in every single act of theirs, I want them to be informed of the umpteen benefits you get out of being polite. Politeness is the bedrock of all successful business. Customer service plays a key role in your business. My first example speaks it all. I would definitely want to go back to his shop regularly. Your employees will feel like they belong to your organisation and work relentlessly for your goal.

While I say that actions speak louder than words, I also believe that actions should be in sync with the words and deeds. So, I'm just saying that exhibit your deeds in words or through actions. According to me, courteousness, humbleness and modesty are the first cousins of politeness and so when you adorn your actions and words with politeness, his cousins come along with you for free and together they spread love in the world.

Bye Bye Birdie!!

yahoo, google, Gmail,Blogspot,Orkut, Facebook and now Twitter. I am a lazy blogger for various reasons (I can't come up with short posts :)). I read about this twitter and my usually inquisitve brain, wanted to try it. I was inspired by this micro blogging concept and jumped into the twitter bandwagon. I think I was a little early compared to most of my friends.I was left lone in the twitter world. I was lost in the twitter jargon. But, got acclimated to the idea. I was bored initially, as i wasn't interested in neither celebtwities (It doesn't really excite me to know, what color Britney has painted on her nails) nor twissips (eg. some X is breaking up with her twelfth boy-friend). So, I was dormant till a few buddies nudged me and said "we are in" :). I made an honest second attempt. I picked up most of the buzzwords. I met twitts, posted tweets, nudged tweeps, celerated twestivals, read Bhagavadtweeta, nominated Mr.Tweet. After all this, I find twitter insipid now. I am a dim-twit. I lost to the challenge of coming up with catchy phrases in 140 characters :(.

I find that there are just two types of tweets - one in which you say what you are doing? (Yes! I am not talking about facebook) and the other that is basically some universal resource locator(web url). So, as it goes, there are just two types of twitts - one who is new and is just excited in letting people know that he is watching American idol with a sip of cappuccino. The secomd one, is this sooper cool techy(or that's what he thinks) who likes to share everything that he reads from dawn to dusk. I am not against the first group. I am in fact happy that they are active. But, it just annoys me when I am looking for something innovative and end up seeing three tweets in a row like, @11.58 - Am gonna hit the bed. GN! . @11.59 : I am turning the lights off. GN! . @12.00 - I am gonna close my eyes. GN! (The last one is from a phone). On seeing such tweets swamping my homepage, I just feel like shouting at the top of my voice, "Bloody, quit from twitter!". An occasional "Am enjoying the early morning rain with a sip of freshly brewed filter coffee" - is sure my cup :). I don't support group two either. I am not quite happy, when I see a tweet which has just web urls with absolutely no intro to it. My tweet to them is "Buddy!, please share your link in the Google reader". A "mixed review on Google Wave - url" is my kinda tweet, as it gives me a choice to decide on whether to read the review.

The mad competition of "Yey! I have more followers than the people I follow", just gets onto my nerves. I am sure this wasn't the intent of Jack, when he founded twitter. On a fine day, I decided to unfollow twitts who aren't active. To my surprise, I had to unfollow most of my friends. I assumed they either fell in any of the above specified categories and found it boring to continue the same mundane tweets and have opted out, or are like me hanging between the two and is unable to answer why tweet?

All said, it will be unfair on my part, if I don't acknowledge couple of my friends whose tweets are informative, interesting and ingenuous. I wish they don't lose interest till the time I am singing around with the birdie. I also quite like the social sector tweets - sharing the ideas. But again, the disadvantage is - for the information about the idea, I can use the Google Reader, and twitter doesn't really succeed in keeping up the discussion. I have to agree that twitter sure sounds interesting when you get live updates like the one from Iran or Srilanka and again because they are honest first reactions of the public. But, again it is a himalayan task to search for such tweets. After a conversation with a friend about tweetie (not the twitter client, but the pet name for twitter, like sweetie and cutie :)), I decided that twitter is for twitts interested in celebtwities. It probably is a cool thing to know whom Malika Sharawat is fighting with at the moment, directly from the hourse's mouth, exclusively for her tans (twitter fans - followers on twitter).

To end, i personally feel, Tweeting is a cliche and I don't see a cause for it. There is so much of hype and hoopla around it. You think that this is Hayabusa and decide to befriend it. Once befriended, you realize that it is just a cuckoo and get disappointed. But, since you are friends now, you don't want to leave it and hang around for a while.

P.S

"Twitter - short and sweet if you like to tweet" - yipee! <>

2nd Anniversary

To be updated soooon....

Lost Love

I loved him so much. I don't remember not talking to him, even for a day in the last two years. Life changed a lot after he came into my life. He was by my side always. He has seen my emotions swing in full speed. He would have found me unpredictable in spite of the two glorious years of a beautiful relationship that we shared. I was always on a high when he was with me. I missed him dearly when I couldn't be with him for couple of days. But all this feeling of elation and joy came to an abrupt end. I never dreamt of such a thing to happen. I had no clue. I wasn't prepared for the shock. On one sad evening, I missed him forever:(. I am shattered. My head is filled with just his memories. I cry, I weep, I weep, I cry, I sob. I take a small break and start the process of weeping all over again. I am inconsolable. I can't find solace with anything else. I miss him :(. I want him back. I hate this girl, who stole him away from me. But, why did he go with her. How can he forget me and all the good times that we had. I can't think of a substitute. My friends want me to choose someone cool and funky as a substitute. But, my heart doesn't go for it. I want only him. I even left a message for the girl, pleading her to give him back to me. But, in vain. She doesn't understand my love for him. I would be more than happy and accept him if he comes back to me. I yearn to touch him, to rejoice the fond memories which has carried away with him.  I love it when he adorns the orange dress. I love it when he says something, as it will just be a reassurance of care and love from someone to whom I mean something. He would help me complete my official meetings quickly. Now that he is not with me, I spend late night hours at work :( i am crippled without him.

Will I get him back? Do you know him? Can you talk to him for me?

All the best!!

Finally I have made up my mind to keep my blog active. so, as the first step, I wanted to scribble something on the top my mind at the moment. I am leaving for mumbai now, for an important task :).

I get wishes from my friends and family. I am quite nervous (for a change :)). I am supposed to be preparing for the interview properly considering the competition and also that I don't know much about this field. But my work kept me too busy and never let me focus on this. I blame myself too, for, whatever little time I got, I found myself pouring into books which are not at all related to the subject I will be questioned on. In the last 18 days I read Freakanomics, Host, Conversation with God, Lajja and Zahir. I have never read so many books in such a short duration (It is short for me :) ). I am carrying Twilight and a book by Noam Chomsky to read in the train. I hope to complete them too :). I always liked to read and now I love to read. It gives the bigger picture and makes you think in a different perspective. But, anyway I missed on my interview prep. Probably right things at the right time is very important. 

I am scared, nervous, excited and waiting to attend the interview. I am more tensed when people talk abt my prep :). I want to eat masala dosa now. But no time and no friend :(. I want o talk my friend, but he will be busy at work :(. I am scared to go to Mumbai all alone :) but am eager to eat vadapav there :) I want to go to colaba. I want to go Marine drive. I am eager to hear lot of people speak Marati. I am going crazzzzy!!! :)

Mom is not here to kiss my cheek and say "All the best! You can make it", and also to pack my bag :)and to remind me of the things I should take along with me :(.  My bro is not here to say, "you can make it for sure, if you don't talk too much :)" . My roomies are also not here to wish. I am alone, and I just wanted to put this here. I am thankful to all my friends for their wishes. I think few of them took it more seriously than I did. I am lucky :) . I hope I make it. Whatever be the result, I learnt a lot during the preparation. That will keep me going. Let me leave now, to catch the train :)